Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
