i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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