I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
