just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Randomize
