I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
