I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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