i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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