she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
