please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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