I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
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I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
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We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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