Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
