she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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