Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
