Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
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i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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