We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
