Plan B is the new Plan A
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
