K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
