I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
