Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
