don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
