Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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