getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
