I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
