you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
