I think i sorta joined a cult last night
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
