Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
