don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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