I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
