I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
