Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
