Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
