Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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