so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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