I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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