She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
