i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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