Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
