D3 body, D1 cock
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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