I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
