bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.