i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
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Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
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I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.