you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just gift wrapped bread.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
