Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
