i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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