I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
