i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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