my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
