dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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