So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
