Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
