is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
