I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
