I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
